Published 25th May 2015 at 800 × 587 in Tim Vine wins world record. Tim Vine wins world record. '”“I was reading a book – ‘The History of Glue’ – I couldn’t put it down.”“I said to the gym instructor: ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’ He said: ‘How flexible are you?’ I said: ‘I can’t make Tuesdays.'”“So this bloke says to me, ‘Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?’ I thought ‘That’s all I need, a Je-hoover’s witness.
“I looked out the window of the taxi and there were these posters that said ‘Jim Vine’,” recalls the Londoner.In fact, Vine once held the Guinness World Record for the most jokes told in an hour.
I said ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one please.’ She said ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’ ‘Alright,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow.’“I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. See more ideas about Tim vine, Jokes, Dad jokes. I’m a member of the Magic Semi-circle.”“I used go out with an anaesthetist – she was a local girl.”“I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet ‘Best Before End…'” I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff,” he told The Daily Telegraph last year.Mr Kirshen, who co-wrote and starred in the BBC Radio 4 sketch comedy series Bigipedia, was entered for his joke: “I was playing chess with my friend and he said ‘Let’s make this more interesting’. I said to him ‘I’m frightened of lapels.’ He said, ‘You’ve got cholera.'”“This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. I said: ‘I bet I know what your favourite Christian festival is.’ He said: ‘You have to love Easter, baby.'”“I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said ‘I want to buy an ice-cream’. '”“You know, I’m not very good at magic – I can only do half of a trick. I always tense up when I hear him going, ‘You know, my brother’s got this joke’. '”“I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.”Here are 55 of the comic master’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners:“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. I said ‘Do you earn a living doing that?’ He said ‘Yes, this is my livelihood. I said: ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’ He said: ‘It depends where you’re calling from. I picked it up, and said ‘Who’s speaking please?’ And a voice said ‘You are.
I said ‘Do you earn a living doing that?’ He said ‘Yes, this is my livelihood.'”“I went in to a pet shop. In 2004 Tim went into the Guinness World Record Book for the most jokes told in 1 … An official spokesman said that the Australian comic – real name Anthony Lehmann – had breached the guidelines. In 2004, he set the Guinness World Record for most jokes in an hour - cracking a … '”“I bought a train ticket and the driver said ‘Eurostar?’ I said ‘Well, I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin.’ Still, at least it’s comfortable on Eurostar – it’s murder on the Orient Express.”“And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said: ‘I bet I know what your favourite Christian festival is.’ He said: ‘You have to love Easter, baby. I thought, ‘that’s Abba-riginal.